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SEVEN RULES OF MODERN EDUCATION

Excerpted from Teacher's Handbook of Dirty Tricks, which contains a total of twenty-three Rules of Modern Education.

RULE #1: Teachers are expected to learn students, not teach them. When I went to school, if I didn't study, or didn't bring in my homework, or didn't listen in class, or failed a test, it was my fault. Look out. If you're a classroom teacher and your students fail a test, don't bring in homework, sleep in class, or fail to achieve, guess whose fault it is. You either didn't motivate the child, didn't make the material interesting, taught above or below his level, or didn't convince the child the material was relevant. The next time your principal or some bureaucrat from the district office tells you it's your fault your student's don't perform, tell him it's his fault. As your superior or resource professional, he failed to motivate you, provide you with a workplace conducive to success, or make teaching fun and games for you.

RULE #2: Administrators generally bend to the greatest pressure. It's like a law of physics. Just when you think you've got your principal's support, a parent or community member with clout objects to your pet project and threatens to go over your principal's head.

RULE #3: Dumb parents produce dumb children. When you deal with parents of dumb children, try to remember that the apples don't fall too far from the trees.

RULE #4: When your principal or a bureaucrat in your chain of command tells you something, always ask yourself, Does what he is telling me impact his job? If the answer is yes, greet it with a healthy dose of skepticism. When it comes to saving face or protecting their jobs, administrators can fudge facts and figures to explain how low test scores are not really low at all, how dismal teacher morale is really at an all-time high, how unruly students don't really constitute a discipline problem, or how extra paperwork is not really extra work. Remember, if it reflects on his job, he has a motive to lie to you. If he wants you to do something, he has a motive to lie to you.

RULE #5: The worst parents you'll face are your fellow teachers, who expect a company discount when it comes to their kids.

RULE #6: There is an unspoken conspiracy on the part of administrators to assign the dregs of society to new teachers, and to favor teachers with tenure with the better-behaved specimen of the race.

RULE #7: When the district office decides to get rid of a principal, they bump him back into the classroom, the bureaucratic equivalent to exile in Siberia. Most principals would rather resign than accept the fate. Shows what they really think of classroom teachers, huh?