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DISCLAIMER: Teacher's Handbook of Dirty Tricks is a joke book written for entertainment purposes only. If you're dumb enough to get caught using any of the underhanded tricks presented within its pages, or in the excerpts below, you deserve to be fired, or sued, or both.

DIRTY TRICK #21 Floyd's Early Retirement Plan

Here's Floyd's early retirement plan in a nutshell.

Step 1: Join the NEA. As part of the package, you will have a $1,000,000 insurance policy against lawsuits.

Step 2: Pick a senior you trust and make a deal with him. Here's the deal. During the annual awards ceremony, call the senior up on stage on the pretext of giving him an award. In front of the entire student body, invent a pretext to get angry at the student. Take off your belt and wallop him several good blows, as many as you can get in before your astonished co-workers pull you off of him. The student turns around and sues you for $1,000,000. He then splits the take with you.

Step 3: The student turns around and sues the school district for another $1,000,000. Again, he splits the take with you. You each end up with $1,000,000.

Now, here are the fine points of the plan. Don't ignore them.

First of all, the reason you want to pick a senior is because you want him to be old enough to sue you in his own right. You don't want his parents suing you.

Secondly, you can't punch him out. You've got to take your belt to him. The NEA will not pay off for a deliberate criminal act, unless it relates to corporal punishment.

Thirdly, the kid has to be white. The NEA won't pay off in the case of a civil rights violation. Beating a black kid is like beating Rodney King, but if you beat a white kid, nobody gives two shits about civil rights. The exception here is that if you are black yourself, you can beat whoever the hell you want to.

I realize the injustice of denying someone the right to make a cool million just because of his race. Black kids should have just as much right to be horsewhipped as white kids, but it's a sorry world.

You may think your part of the bargain is over once the beating is administered. Not so. You can be sure the NEA lawyers are going to try to weasel out of paying your student. They'll claim you were temporarily insane, or that you were overwhelmed by stress. So you're going to have to do everything in your power to sabotage your own case. Don't let them settle out of court. Get on the witness stand and say, "Yeah, I hit him. I felt like it."

Once you go through the ordeal of your NEA lawsuit, the second lawsuit against your school district should be a piece of cake. After all, they say your first million is the hardest.

DIRTY TRICK #41 Fight asshole behavior with asshole tactics.

Let's say a kid puts bubble gum in the pencil sharpener or breaks the handle on the water cooler or stops up the john with toilet paper just to be funny. Don't be in a hurry to fix it. Let the whole class suffer for a while. This turns the tables on the little asshole who broke the appliance. Instead of being a hero, he becomes pariah. Students who reinforced his pranks with laughter now put pressure on him to shape up. If you delay long enough in calling maintenance, woe be unto him if he repeats the behavior after you finally do get maintenance to make repairs.

DIRTY TRICK #47 Set a trap for answer changers.

When you return a test, you will want to go over the answers in class. Unfortunately, you will occasionally have a dastardly student who will change the answers on his returned test paper and accuse you of incorrectly marking them wrong.

When this happens, you'll be urinated off, but you'll have to eat it the first time. Apologize to the student for goofing up and pleasantly give him credit for the answers you "marked wrong." This will lull the student into your trap. Mentally place the student on your shit list.

The next time you give a test, make a copy of the student's answer sheet before you return the corrected test papers. When the student raises his hand to object that you marked an answer wrong, ask him to bring his paper to the front of the room.

Ask him to point out where you made a grading error. When he tells you, pull out your copy of his test and say, "Oh really? Here's what you had the first time."

If he has any sense of self-respect, hopefully the student will learn a valuable lesson in character and humility that will preclude him from cheating in your class again.

DIRTY TRICK #49 Fight a bully with a bigger bully.

Bullying behavior is difficult to deal with because often it's difficult to prove. Most bullies do their dirty work when no one in authority is looking, so it boils down to one student's word against another's. You know it happened, but you can't prove it. Nothing is done because the administration must give the bully due process.

What you want to do is recruit some of your former students who are now two or three grades ahead of the bully to have a word of prayer with him. Select your students carefully, because you want to limit your action to a poker bluff. What they are to do is verbally intimidate the bully by telling him that they'd better not hear of him picking on smaller children again, or else. The bully knows you and the principal are not going to beat the crap out of him, but he doesn't know your former students won't.

DIRTY TRICK #58 Call them at work. And keep calling.

Parents do not generally like to get calls at work, because many supervisors frown on it. The reason they frown on it is because the phone call takes the worker off the production line and costs the company money. Ergo, a call at work usually gets the parent's attention.

What really gets their attention is if you keep calling them at work, perhaps four or five times the same day, with things you thought of that their little brat did in your class. "Oh, I forgot to tell you, he also said such and such..."

What you want to do is provoke the parent into saying something like, "I can't do my job with you interrupting me all the time.

To which you can reply, "Now you know how I feel, Mr. Jones. I can't do my job with your son disrupting my class all the time."

Here's one I came across after the book came out. It's the idea of a history teacher from Grand Rapids, Michigan, published in the October 2001 edition of NEA Today.

DIRTY TRICK # ? When a kid is misbehaving in class, pull out your cell phone and call the parent on the spot.

Have a list of all your kids telephone numbers handy. When one of your little brats shows his hind quarters, pull out your cell phone and call the parent on the spot. Let the parent know you are interrupting precious class time to correct his or her offspring. Make the child explain his behavior to the parent. This is done under the watchful eyes of his classmates. This last detail will raise some eyebrows, but I say, if a kid shows his ass in front of an audience, he should get his wings clipped in front of the same audience.

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